365 Days

365

2009-01-15T20:53:00.000-08:00

LAST DAY. Weird.

I moved over here.

364

2009-01-14T21:18:00.000-08:00

What a weird day.

I dumped a full cup of water all over my desk at work, and then no more than an hour later did it with a full cup of tea. At that point I almost started crying. Because I am a giant sissy some days, and today has been one of them.

My iPod battery died two blocks from my apartment, but it was actually perfect timing because a song had just started that I really didn't need to be listening to. So, thank you iPod.

I came home from work, ate the first substantial amount of food that I've had in probably two weeks, and then fell way way way asleep for a good two hours. I just woke up a little bit ago and I think I'm just going to go back to bed. Apparently I need the sleep.

Tomorrow is the last day. That is completely bizarre to me.

363

2009-01-13T20:44:00.000-08:00

MAKE THESE RIGHT NOW.

Marionberry Lavender Scones from The PPK

Marionberry Lavender Scones

Makes 12 scones

1 1/4 cups almond milk (or your non-dairy milk of choice)

2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar

3 cups flour

2 tablespoons baking powder

1/2 cup sugar, plus extra for sprinkling

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/4 cup fresh culinary lavender, chopped

1/2 cup non hydrogenated shortening

2 tablespoons canola oil

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

2 cups marionberries, or berries of your choice
Preheat the oven to 375 F. Lightly grease a baking sheet or line with parchment paper. Measure out the milk and add the vinegar to it. Set aside to curdle.

Mix together the flour, baking powder, salt and sugar in a large mixing bowl. Add the shortening in small clumps, then use your fingers to cut it into the flour until it appears like small pebbles. (You an also use a food processor for this, but I prefer to use my hands.) Mix in the lavender.

Create a well in the center and add the soy milk, oil and vanilla. Mix with a wooden spoon just a bit, then add in the berries. Mix again until everything is moistened, but don’t overmix. A couple of dry looking spots are just fine.

Use a 1/4 cup measuring up to scoop the scones out on to the baking sheet. Spray it wth cooking spray first so that the batter comes out easier.

Sprinkle tops with a bit more sugar, then bake for 18 to 22 minutes, until tops are firm to the touch and lightly browned. Serve warm!

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I used 1 tablespoon of dried culinary lavender instead of fresh, and subbed frozen blackberries for the marionberries.

Holy crap.

362

2009-01-12T15:42:00.001-08:00

OH GREAT.

This morning I was standing butt ass naked in my shower towel drying my hair, when my neck randomly makes this weird popping noise, and then suddenly SHOOTING PAIN up the right side of my neck. Fan-fucking-tastic. I couldn't turn my head to the right at all and went to work with my head at a weird tilt. Fun fun.

I ended up going to a chiropractor during my lunch break, who I am now madly in love with. She sat down and talked with me for a solid half an hour about all of the stress sources in my life, and then did a gentle chiropractic session where she didn't use any pressure or poke me at all. It was all just a series of different touches with different pressure. SO amazing. I'm still pretty tense and can't turn my head all the way yet, but I should be golden within the next few days. She's so awesome that she even has a blog.

We also figured out that my couch is evil, and now I want to get rid of it. So hey- anyone want to buy an evil couch? It's in great condition!

361

2009-01-11T23:59:00.000-08:00

Longest day everrrrrrrrrrr.

360

2009-01-10T23:59:00.000-08:00

I just realized that I only have five days left with this blog. And part of me feels like I should have some big entry to post. Some sort of conclusion or epic end to it. But no, there won't be. It will most likely be just like any other day. I'll say too much or I'll say not much of anything or I'll post a picture I did or didn't take. This was never intended to really be that big of a deal. More people read it than I ever expected to. So, in five days it will be done and I'll move on to something else.

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I have been in the most off-kilter mood all month. I can't shake the fact that I just feel down. I spent all night with two of my bests. Laughing my ass off. Drinking orange juice at the bar and piling into bed and watching Candid Camera on dvd. On my ride home I got yelled at by some douchebag in an SUV and didn't really care because at least when I'm pushing myself hard I still feel fine. It's coming home and climbing into bed that kills me every time. Matt has been gone for over three weeks and he'll be home in two days, but it won't feel any different until I leave work on Monday. And I know that no one gives a shit if I miss my boyfriend, but it has changed a lot of things for me.

One more night.

359

2009-01-09T23:01:00.000-08:00

This weekend is going to be insanely busy but I feel like it's going to move in slow motion. I felt like I couldn't handle being around anyone tonight. I came home at 10:30 and I'm in bed already.

This picture is killing me.

358

2009-01-08T20:32:00.001-08:00

OH MY GOD.

I am never buying anything on Craigslist again.

I bought my couch from this guy over two months ago. He wanted $125 for it but I only had $60 on me at the time. He said it was fine and I could give him the rest later. Whatevs. So I pick the couch up, give him $60 and he says it's all cool. I assume that by "it's all cool" he means IT'S ALL COOL.

A MONTH AND A HALF LATER he starts texting me asking me about his money. I just ignore him until he starts threatening to come to my work. Wtf??? I tell him I'm in Alaska and I'll deal with it when I get back.

FFWD to today and he's texting me again. I write him back and tell him that as I recall, we agreed that $60 was fine and if it wasn't fine then he never should have let me leave with the couch. More freaking out on his part. He sends me the most epic text messages ever. He wants to come get the couch. Finally I tell him that I don't care and I'll mail him a check on the 15th when I get paid. NOPE. He wants to come to my office and get it. The shitty part is that he knows where my office is because I'm a dumbass and e-mailed him from my work address originally and my signature has our company info in it.

I told him that wasn't okay and he finally stopped texting me without a reply. Now I'm afraid he's just going to show up at my office one day and throw a fit. FANTASTIC.

I need to hire a bodyguard. Maybe LiLo will share hers with me. Sigh...

357

2009-01-07T21:41:00.001-08:00

Dear Seattle Weather:

You suck. Quit ruining my life.

Love,

Renai

PS-

Buy me these, k?

356

2009-01-06T23:03:00.000-08:00

I have new favorite things today. I'm finally riding again, despite the absolute shit weather that we've been having. I'd rather get soaked and muddy than not ride at all. It makes me go crazyyyyyyy.

Annnnyyyywayyyyyyys...

My mom sent me a pair of Swrve WWR knickers for my birfday (which is today, BTW) which are absolutely amazing. They're wind and water resistant and make my butt look kind of hot. (Really hot, actually). Highly recommend these. I got their "hiding hoodie" as well, but am exchanging it for a different color so I haven't tried it yet. Kind of excited about my butt crack not showing anymore though.

I also just upgraded my lights to Knog Gekkos instead of Frogs. So far I love them and people seem to be trying a little less hard to scare me and/or run me off the road. Although that may just be due to my new hot butt. Either way I'm happy I got them. (Top secret- you can get a set of them- front and rear- for $35 on eBay which is super cheap. Like me.)

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Other than that... my birthday has been pretty mellow, and was made very wonderful by the most fantastic women at feminist book club tonight. I would marry them all if I weren't so in love with that damn boyfriend of mine.

AND the biggest birthday surprise of all is that my dad actually remembered and called me this year. It made me really really happy. Silly. I can't help it.

--------------------

Blah blah blahlkfhlahfdlha. Bedtime.

355

2009-01-05T21:46:00.000-08:00

I just realized that I never posted pictures from my trip home. So, here you go, sucka. People never seem to really understand when I tell them that Juneau is surrounded by mountains and water. Yeah... not joking. These first pictures are along the highway/of the island that I grew up on. Everything is literally built into the sides of mountains and along the waterfront. You can't escape.

This is probably the best outfit I've ever worn. Ever. It made me want to start a fashion blog. And yes I did wear this out. And yes I did get hit on all night by extremely attractive Alaskan men. Ahem.

Seriously though. Don't pet the sea lions.

Drunk beezies. 3 AM downtown.

Brother hailing a cab.

Everyone in Alaska is ridiculously attractive and well dressed. Haha, I love them.

Taken on my last day. Mom made us get out of the car and take pictures here. It was about .2 degrees and blowing. Thanks Mom.

354

2009-01-04T16:01:00.000-08:00

I am seriously starting to get cabin fever.

I was working on making hip bags earlier but kept destroying my hands so I said fuck it and then was going to go run errands just so I could get out of the apartment. I rode about halfway from my apartment to Stone Way (not even a mile) before it started shitting on me. Rain/slush/wind/snow/bullshit all over the place. I wussed out and came back home and now I'm just going NUTS. I missed daylight too so I can't even take decent pictures of the stuff I've been working on, which means that I can't post it on Etsy yet either, which has now rendered my entire day useless. I can't even cook anything because I haven't gone grocery shopping in two weeks and I'm not about to leave the house again.

DAMN I am so whiney lately. How adorable.

353

2009-01-03T23:59:00.000-08:00

Another one of these. But they really are the best. I love these nights more than anything.

352

2009-01-02T14:42:00.000-08:00

This was my brothers Christmas present this year. Larger sized hip pouch that is probably one of my favorite things I've made. I actually really want one now.

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I just realized that it's Friday and now I'm all thrown off. As much as I like having all of this time off I'm really ready for my work schedule to go back to normal.

Birthday party for moi tomorrow. I never "feel" like it's my birthday. It isn't actually until Tuesday, but whatev.

351

2009-01-01T01:18:00.000-08:00

2009.

I'm home way early and I'm okay with that. I got really sad when I came home super dressed up and didn't have my love here with me. Blahhhhhhhhhhh. I hate holidays alone. Especially when I know that I have someone who I want to be with so badly halfway across the stupid world.

Oh well. I had my ladies.

And I'll bet you've never seen me dressed like that. NM the beer and the fact that my dress was falling down all night. Not my fault I lost 5 pounds when I had the fucking flu. Only bitter 'cause of bitches...

--------------------------------------------

So, cool. Don't let me update my blog when I'm drunk. I'm a bitch.

Anyway. Here are more pictures from last night:

Laila loves me right now!

350

2008-12-31T23:59:00.000-08:00

NYE. Another day that's bad for blogging. Sigh.

I've been craving grocery store deli mac and cheese all day. I don't think that there's a vegan alternative to that.

349

2008-12-30T18:37:00.000-08:00

I actually sucked it up and went to work today. I ate an entire giant bowl of soup and some crackers. What an accomplishment. Phew.

I just got home and I'm already back in bed. Of course. I'm prob just going to watch Rome on DVD and lurk blogs all night. Lazy bones. Whatev, I'm allowed.

I have a weird unhealthy obsession with this girls style. Creeeeeeeper status. I actually dressed like this first outfit today because I own the same shirt. Thanks $5 Old Navy shirt.

248

2008-12-29T23:59:00.000-08:00

Called in to work and spent half the day in Matao's bed, then took a cab home and spent the rest in mine. Not really much to say about it. Carmen came over and brought me soup, juice, and cold medicine because she is a doll.

Slept forever. Blah blah blah.

347

2008-12-28T23:59:00.000-08:00

Last day in Alaska.

Mom picked up me and Brother and went on a forever drive out the road. She made us stand in the freezing ass cold/wind/snow on a beach to get pictures that didn't turn out very well because our hair was everywhere and our faces were scrunched into our jackets so we had like 10 chins each. HOT.

Stopped in at the waffle place and tried to get soup but failed. Sat around and talked shit for a while. Drove back to Douglas to see grandparents/aunts one more time. Hung out there for a while, ate a ton of salmon (pickled, smoked, and lox omg), Grandma gave me some really old sewing books and kept trying to feed me cookies. Left and met up at Island Pub with Steff/Kyle/Tom/Kimbert. Ate cheese-less pizza with too much garlic. Called to double check my flight and the recording said it was canceled out of Juneau, so we went out to the airport to check.

Turns out it was just delayed three hours so I sat around in the lounge with Mom and Brother. My stomach started to bother me at this point and I figured it had something to do with the jarred salmon. OMG BOTCHULISM! Finally went through security and boarded. My stomach was getting worse and worse as we were taking off. I went to the bathroom to pee and ended up puking up everything I'd eaten that day. The rest of my flight pretty much involved me moving to my own row in the back of the plane, having the flight attendants give me a huge bottle of water so I had something in my stomach, puking into a barf bag while waiting for the bathroom, and throwing up a total of 6 times, once while in the process of getting off the plane. HELL.

I took a cab to Matao's where Phillip being the darling that he is made me soup that I couldn't manage to eat. I passed out in Matao's bed with a bucket nearby, 'cause shit you never know, right? Classy stuff.

346

2008-12-27T23:59:00.000-08:00

Breakfast at Sandpiper, which was really impressive considering that they had an entire two vegan dishes. Although their french toast came with butter, and their tofu scramble came with sour cream- but whatev, at least they kind of got it.

Ran around with Mom and Amy. Procured an ice cream maker, which made me almost as happy as the Cuisinart food processor that I got for Christmas. So spoiled.

Went back to my dads and took a three hour nap. Tom kidnapped me then we went to Marlentinis for What Remains' last show as What Remains. More awkwardness. Back downtown to Pel Meni. Met a girl from LJ/MySpace who lives up north. Random. Back to bars with Amy and Tom. Didn't drink, but babysat instead. Somehow ended up sober dancing, which never happens... but whatev. No one else can tell when they're drunk. Pel Meni reunion. I never feel like I get to talk to Ryan enough.

Amy took me home and I stayed up reading until 4 for some reason.

345

2008-12-26T23:59:00.000-08:00

I took Tom to breakfast/lunch and bought him food for letting me take over his futon. He dropped me off back at my dads where he gave me looks of disapproval and probably thought to himself how much of a skank I am. Nevermind the fact that I've been friends with Tom since I was 15. NEVERMIND THAT. Thanks, Dad.

Took a nap, took a shower, ate pasta at my moms that had cheese in it and almost killed me later in the night. Went and saw Marley and Me with Mom, Brother, and Aunt Becky. Balled my fucking eyes out starting about halfway through the movie. I am such a sissy sometimes. Went downtown and back to The Alaskan. Met up with Tom/Morgan/Steffani/Amy other people who I am forgetting and am an asshole for. Had a really awkward encounter. Went to the Rendezvous- danced, bonded, left for The Imperial. Kept dancing with people I'd known since I was in pre-school. VERY WEIRD. Got totally weirded out about bar close being 3 am but didn't really care. Went to Pel Meni and got really depressed about Costas/Cone Kitchen closing.

Caught a cab with a bunch of people, went to Libby's and slept on the floor.

344

2008-12-25T23:59:00.000-08:00

Christmas day.

It was actually really nice being home this year. The holiday itself has about zero significance to me, but I really miss being with my family, so it counts for a lot.

Made a bunch of vegan food for brunch at my grandparents. Everyone was afraid of the tofu scramble. My two youngest cousins are hilarious and actually made me love little kids. Just a tiny bit. We stayed at my grandparents through dinner where almost everything actually was vegan, minus the roast- but I was really happy that I actually got to eat with everyone else for once. Mom made wild rice/cranberry/walnut stuffed squash and I think I could probably eat that until I die. Nom nom nom.

Left after dinner and met up with my dads side of the family. Did a while elephant gift exchange where I ended up with a popcorn popper and a headlamp. Is it weird that I was really excited about both of these? Whatev.

Brother and I made a break for it and went to The Alaskan to meet up with my lover Raineka- who is the other half of Renaineka. I haven't seen her in YEARS. Tom told me about his secret affair with my mom (scandal), I drank more than I have in forever (uh yeah 3 whole beers), left with Rain, David, and Tom, and then proceeded to fall asleep on Tom's futon for the night. He slept on the floor. I am an asshole. Oops.

343

2008-12-24T23:59:00.000-08:00

I'M BACK.

Christmas Eve... spent the night before in the airport with Shawna. It was miserable and I barely slept. Mom picked me up, and I went to my grandparents and baked cookies for 4 hours or something ridiculous. She finally took me to my dad's where I was staying and after a really awkward dinner I fell asleep at 7:30 and slept for a solid 12 hours. Fun day.

342

2008-12-23T10:52:00.000-08:00

I stayed at Matao's last night since he's stuck here until tomorrow and he lives closer to my office. I walked to work down the middle of Denny. There were beer cans and cardboard boxes in piles everywhere.

I'm leaving tomorrow (maybe) and won't be back until late Sunday night so don't expect much until then.

341

2008-12-22T23:59:00.000-08:00

Another day home from work. I was up at 5:30 trying to figure out how to get to work, and gave up around 10. I got a ton of crap done, but I can't show you anything because it's mostly gifts for people. Tough shit.

340

2008-12-21T21:37:00.000-08:00

Everyone is stuck everywhere.

--------------------------------

We just took a walk around Greenlake and took a few pictures. My camera does weird things in the snow. It was dark out for all of these.

339

2008-12-20T22:14:00.001-08:00

We are apparently in the process of being snowed in.

I'm home with Allison making cookies and watching Flight of the Conchords. I'm also apparently trying to chop my fingers off. Fail.

Matao leaves tomorrow to Australia for a month and I'm kind of sort of freaking out a little bit. Such a girl. Love is weird because you can't really help it.

338

2008-12-19T14:28:00.000-08:00

I'm back at work... although it was tricky. I came in this morning with dirty hair, no makeup, and the same clothes I wore on my date with Matao two nights ago. Sexayyyyy.

I am getting nothing done. I kind of don't really mind.

I just looked through the Macaframa screening pictures and made myself really sad. I'm all about hibernating, but oh my god I miss my bike and I miss my friends. I need to quit being a sissy and start riding again. Snow and ice can suck it.

337

2008-12-18T18:17:00.001-08:00

Oh Seattle, you so silly.

I had today off from work 'cause it snowed like... two inches. I love it. We'll see about tomorrow since it's not really supposed to get any better.

Spent all day today watching bad tv, eating cookies, sleeping, and being a lazy jerk. Perfection.

336

2008-12-17T23:59:00.000-08:00

NUFFIN

335

2008-12-16T15:56:00.001-08:00

My best form of self defense lately seems to be getting pissed off.

If you hurt me I'll punch you in the face.

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Do you ever just feel like going "fuck this, everything sucks" even when everything doesn't actually suck and really you're just in the mood to be a cranky ass? Yeah that's me half the time but for some reason today it's really sticking. I'm actually secretly in a really good mood but outwardly I'm being a giant b. Nothing new I guess.

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I'm going home in a week and it's kind of tripping me out. I mean I was home back in September too, but that was kind of different because I was there with the boy and I got to play tour guide and have him around 24/7 so we could pick on each other all the time which keeps me sane somehow. I haven't been home for Christmas in a few years, same for the summer so I'm never really there when anyone else is. I keep having weird dreams about people who used to be a bigger part of my life and now I'm getting all tripped out over seeing them. I also had a dream about ladybugs a few weeks ago and now I keep actually seeing them but I'm pretty sure that's unrelated. But still- seeing ladybugs all the time in December is kind of weird. You gotta give me that.

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Man, I just don't know right now. I'm all over the place.

334

2008-12-15T18:38:00.000-08:00

Hi, embarrassing. This story is lame, sorry.

I have to take two buses to get home after work. I still had my transfer from Saturday night which happened to be the same color as the transfers today. SCORE. Right? Ha ha haaaaaaa no. Keeping in mind that I am such a fucking goodie two-shoes about things like this that I honestly almost NEVER try to use an old transfer because the guilt is just too much for me. Today I was like "whatevsssss I'm tuff". YEAH LOSE. Bus #1 was fine. Bus #2 is full of hoitey-toitey business tycoons (hi Stella reference) riding back to the Ravenna P&R from downtown. You pay when you get off and for the most part the bus driver could care less if you showed him a receipt instead of a transfer. BUT NOT TODAY. Some bizzle was filling in and when I flashed her my folded in half transfer she told me she didn't see what it was and made me walk back up the steps to show her. Then she made me unfold it and of course it didn't have the fucking "peak" stamp so she called me out. I turned BRIGHT fucking red and fumbled around in my purse pretending to look for the right transfer. Omg. I finally ended up having to dump everything out of my wallet just to find enough change to pay- all this time the rest of the entire bus is just sitting there staring at me like a bunch of jerks.

I finally get off the mf'ing bus and then get stuck at the mf'ing red light with the bus right next to me and people STILL staring at me like a bunch of assholes. Not even jerks anymore.

WTF? Where is my good karma? I help random people fix their flats, I sit next to the smelly dude on the bus when no one else will, I am nice to people who I can't stand, I pet dirty wet mean looking dogs, I use hand signals on my bike, I turn the light off when I'm not in a room, I make everyone in my office eat fruit and drink tea instead of coffee, did I already mention that part about being nice to people who I can't stand? COME ON.

Being nice sucks.

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On another less boring but still ridiculous note- here is the hat I made last night! As well as my dumb face.

333

2008-12-14T18:22:00.000-08:00

JUST KIDDING. It's so wonderful.

332

2008-12-13T20:26:00.001-08:00

It's snowing!!!

No pictures, because you already know what that looks like.

331

2008-12-12T11:19:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was a shitshow of a work day. My two direct superiors were laid off and while I'm flattered that the company sees enough in me to keep me around- I'm still freaking out as my work load is about to double if not triple. Gahhh.

I have today off so I can sew and take care of other things that I've been putting off. I needed it.

My brain may still explode.

Anyway. I made tacos last night. They probably were the prettiest food I've ever made.

The cabbage looks really washed out in the second picture for some reason, but I promise it was actually delicious and beautiful.

330

2008-12-11T14:26:00.001-08:00

Dear Holiday Fairies:

BUY ME THESE K???

Here!

Holy crap. Best thing ever.

<3 R.

329

2008-12-10T18:57:00.000-08:00

So, I may have come home and eaten ten pounds of vegan sugar cookie dough. I may have not been able to start a fire in our fireplace (wtf 2 match Mielke!?). I may have accidentally put the recycling in the garbage bag, and the garbage bag in the recycling can. I also may have been spit at while walking to the bus after work- because I didn't respond to some creeper trying to hit on me.

HOWEVER. I just fucking owned the shit out of this ahi tuna steak. Lavender/sage salt rub + almost an entire bottle of Bass beer = best thing ever.

Holy crap.

I still win at Today.

328

2008-12-09T09:35:00.000-08:00

I finally had to tell myself to quit being such a whiny ass sissy all the time and do something about the fact that I feel stuck and unproductive. Wonder why...

So: here are some good things.

- I just got my first business license! !!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's for FESSup! and now I can sell at farmers markets, as well as claim all of my materials and donations on my taxes. Holler. I'm going to start trying to get a booth at the Fremont Sunday Market in a few months probs.

- I paid off one of my credit cards (it's with another credit card, but whatev. Lower interest rate, hooray!)

- I'M GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS! I haven't been the past two years. The first year I didn't go I broke up with my boyfriend at the time that morning (sorry Jon!), and the second... I think we closed out The Cha Cha the night before and then I went to The Canturbury that day. No more breakups or bars on Christmas. I'm just happy I get to see my family and boo and maybe even more than the whole half an inch of snow that Seattle will probably get this year.

- I made vegan peppermint bark last night with white chocolate that I made from scratch. The texture isn't perfect, but it's workable and still delicious. Not being able to eat peppermint bark was starting to make me depressed. Woe is me.

- Uhhh... yeah. These. I can't really afford them, but they are mine now, regardless.

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I really like how I posted vegan peppermint bark and then leather boots right after. I am ridic. Quit judging me, judger.

327

2008-12-08T06:23:00.001-08:00

Ughhh. Good morning.

My new apartment makes me have the strangest dreams. I can't sleep very well here and I can't figure out why. My body keeps working its way to the inside of the bed, but I'm an outside of the bed sleeper so I spend all night fighting with myself.

Tragic, really.

326

2008-12-07T23:59:00.000-08:00

Nope. Nuffin.

325

2008-12-06T23:59:00.000-08:00

It's not Saturday anymore, really. But we'll pretend. I am terrible at blogging lately. Who knew?

Today probably redeemed the absolute shit pile that has been my life that past two weeks.

Becca and I escaped on the ferry to Bainbridge with our bikes for the afternoon. We met a few ~~creepsters~~ nice people, ate vegan burgers on the ferry, counted Christmas sweaters, laughed manically every time we rode on or off the ferry (it's strangely very fun and seems like there should be theme music), somehow couldn't figure out a map of the island, sat above the beach for a while, froze our butts off, and watched little bitty fish and crabs in the water at the harbor.

It was pretty perfect. Nutterbutter.

Once back, there were veggie dogs and lots of singing, and I accidentally took a nap, and then we had a saltine eating contest, which I lost horribly. Becca did too so somehow that makes it okay.

I don't know. It was just good. I finally feel okay again. Like I just remembered that I'm supposed to breathe.

324

2008-12-05T23:59:00.000-08:00

I survived my office holiday parties. Holy crap.

We had two in one day. One with 50+ processing plant employees, as well as our office, and the second with 25 people on a boat for four and a half hours.

Renai + Kim = dream team.

I think maybe now I can have my life back?

For some reason it seemed like planning two huge parties using someone else's money would be a lot of fun. So so wrong.

Blahklfdhaflhalah.

323

2008-12-04T19:56:00.000-08:00

Remember how in high school you felt like no one in the world understood you, and half the time everyone was against you?

Yeah. I feel like that right now.

Thank you, whole entire world.

322

2008-12-03T17:39:00.000-08:00

This deserves to be shared. Spenser is amazing.

Spenser & Jessica - "Sleeping on the Floor" Music Video from spenser johnson on Vimeo.

321

2008-12-02T18:50:00.000-08:00

I may try to go home for Christmas this year. I'm not sure yet.

I've been saying more than I've intended to lately. I screamed while on the phone with my mom tonight. Not at her.

I want my life back. I want myself back.

320

2008-12-01T14:58:00.000-08:00

How far should you let a shitty gut feeling take you?

Can you ever really truly forgive someone for something, when they don't even know that you know about it?

Does that make any sense at all? Am I just high off my ass and I don't even realize it? WTF life.

319

2008-11-30T22:02:00.001-08:00

Why I haven't been blogging on time lately:

1. I'm lazy.

2. I was moving all weekend. For the first time ever I actually care about how my apartment is set up, so I've spent the past three days working on that. I unpacked completely, put everything away in some sort of actual organized manner, and went to Target x 2, Fred Meyer x 2, Value Village, and Ross in order to actually find the few small organization related things that I needed. Now my undies get to hang out in a pretty hat box. Aw. Why do I care about this shit?

3. I haven't been doing anything that I normally do lately. No cooking (other than Thanksgiving but that was pretty low key), no baking, no bike riding, no reading, no drinking enough water or eating enough fruit, no taking my vitamins, no obsessive grocery shopping, and I haven't been to work since Wednesday afternoon. My whole day to day is all out of whack. I kind of hate it.

4. I honestly just feel incredibly uninspired lately. As silly as it is, I read my "about me" section on my MySpace yesterday and went "this isn't me at all right now." Which kind of sucks. I'm usually pretty optimistic and obnoxiously determined to make my life better all the time. Not so much lately. I'm not really sure why. For the record: "A little dirty. Always making something. Usually food or trouble. Living my life as my own. Growing everyday. Changing, changing, changing. Always changing."

Blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

318

2008-11-29T23:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog:

I am not neglecting you. I have just been busy. I promise.

I'll be back soon.

♥ R.

317

2008-11-28T23:28:00.001-08:00

I moved into my third place in one year today.

What in the hell.

No more big scary nasty houses, or dungeons. At least for a little while...

316

2008-11-27T23:59:00.000-08:00

Slacker blogging.

This was Thanksgiving this year:

315

2008-11-26T23:59:00.000-08:00

Nothing today. Sucka.

314

2008-11-25T08:47:00.000-08:00

This is perfect, because it is true.

“There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”

- Chuck Klosterman

313

2008-11-24T18:14:00.000-08:00

Uh whoa.

Matt Eide sent this to me today.

It's part of a bus ad for a heroin/painkiller addiction helpline. ~~I seriously had to check the photos from my photo shoot with David Hiller a few years ago to make sure that it wasn't actually me.~~ IT IS ME! He did a set where I was wearing just a black tank top but I didn't get any of them on a disc. I just showed it to my mom whose reply was "You must not have seen all the photos he took. There is no doubt in my mind that is you. Must have the photos in a stock photo data base. Sure could have been a better choice of subject matter for the ad!" ... Mama knows best!

Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuper creep status. And holy christ I look so different now. Look at that sweet little babyface. Yowza. I can't stop missing my blond hair. It's bad news.

312

2008-11-23T20:42:00.000-08:00

I just made my first ever vegan lasagna. It's almost the best lasagna I've ever made... except that Christian and I once made the best lasagna ever. I can't tell you the secret behind that one, though.

Camera phone pictures make everything look gross. Awesome.

311

2008-11-22T22:21:00.000-08:00

Calvin makes me want to become a crazy cat lady.

I can't get myself to want to leave my apartment lately. I don't even like my apartment. I stay home every night. I am the most boring person in the entire world.

310

2008-11-21T14:17:00.000-08:00

I just noticed how bad I've been slacking on original content lately. Sorry.

Few things:

1. Sponsoring this so come out and race, 'cause it's for a good cause and I'm donating a full sized bag so come and get it suckas. Damn run-on sentence.

2. I always tell people that I don't have to touch fish at work. Which is true. But today I pretty much begged to. I love it when we get weird samples. I don't even remember what this thing is called but it looks like a small shark, tastes like fried chicken, and its guts are incredibly clean and white and bizarre. Oh fish, ILY.

309

2008-11-20T22:30:00.000-08:00

Sinus infection = suck.

Snails = amazing.

308

2008-11-19T09:29:00.000-08:00

I made lavender chocolate chip cupcakes last night.

SERIOUS.

I've noticed that I do everything out of season.

I cut my hair off and want to eat nothing but fruit and cook with lavender as soon as it's cold outside. Oops.

Anyway:

Ingredients:

1 cup silken tofu
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup almond milk
1 1/2 teaspoons dried lavender
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup chocolate chips

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line muffin pan with cupcake liners.

2. Heat almond milk over medium heat until near boiling. Add dried lavender and let steep for a few minutes.

3. In a medium bowl, stir together the tofu, oil, sugar, and almond milk with lavender in it. Stir in the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Gently whisk until combined, then fold in the chocolate chips.

Fill liners two-thirds full and bake for 20 to 23 minutes- until light golden brown. Dust with powdered sugar once cool.

If you like lavender you'll love these. If you don't like lavender then you can fuck right off.

307

2008-11-18T20:06:00.000-08:00

Dumb.

I've been in the most godawful mood lately. Pretty much just being a giant fucking sissy 24/7. I sent There Will Be Blood back to Netflix yesterday and didn't bother to check my queue to see what was next.

I just got an email telling me that "Yesterday" was just sent. Yeah, about that...

"Darrell James Roodt (Cry, the Beloved Country) directs this heartfelt drama, the first Zulu-language film to be released internationally. Struggling to raise her daughter in a poor African village, Yesterday (Leleti Khumalo) finds the odds stacked against her when she learns that she's HIV positive. With her husband in denial, Yesterday must somehow find the strength to go on, determined to live just long enough to see her daughter go to school."

THAT SHOULD CHEER ME RIGHT UP.

306

2008-11-17T18:43:00.001-08:00

Dear Whole World:

Please buy me these:

Here.

Thanks,

♥ R.

------------------------

Unrelated:

I made a really crappy decision today.

I'm not going to commute by bike anymore for at least a few months. Until it's light out in the evenings again, anyway. Riding in the morning is fine because it's light out earlier now, but it's pitch black by the time I'm off, and my only two options for leaving my office are already shitty enough, even without the craptastic darkness. Riding in the dark is fine when it's not in the middle of rush hour traffic. I'm not very happy about it, but I don't really want to get hit again. So- I'm going to start running after work. And smoking crack. As far as I'm concerned they're pretty much the same thing. Gross. I'm moving to the equator.

305

2008-11-16T20:09:00.000-08:00

I win at crazy.

I just made ridiculously delicious lavender chocolate chip cookies with Vegenaise in them. Mmm. Whatev. Don't hate. They're adapted from the Neiman Marcus chocolate chip cookie recipe, so that should give you at least a little faith in me.

Recipe if you want to make them (it's worth it, I promise)...

1/2 cup Vegenaise (you can also use Earth Balance margarine if you're scared)
1 cup brown sugar
3 tablespoons white sugar
1/4 cup silken tofu
1 tsp dried lavender
1-3/4 cups all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup chopped hazelnuts
1-1/2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 300 degrees. Whisk the Vegenaise with the sugars until fluffy.

2. Beat in the tofu and dried lavender.

3. Add the dry ingredients and mix until well blended.

4. Fold in chocolate chips and hazelnuts.

5. Using a rounded tablespoon, drop cookie dough onto a cookie sheet covered with aluminum foil about 3 inches apart. Gently press down on the dough with the back of a spoon to spread out into a 2 inch circle. Bake for about 15-20 minutes or until nicely browned around the edges. Bake a little longer for a crispier cookie.

304

2008-11-15T18:13:00.001-08:00

I made a top tube pad for Future.Tense in about ten minutes yesterday. Things like that make me wonder what the hell I'm doing- as in why am I not sewing every spare moment of every day? I love it and it's a means to make money doing what I love. Isn't that what everyone wants?

I have a million other ideas and a full set of them in mind, but the execution is what freaks me out the most. Mostly it's- what if I do all of this and then I fall flat on my face? What if my good ideas are actually total crap?

I guess I'll never know until I put them out there.

...

303

2008-11-14T23:59:00.000-08:00

So in love with Emma Redeskog right this second.

302

2008-11-13T23:59:00.000-08:00

I have been eating so much (delicious) crap food lately.

I miss you, vegetables.

301

2008-11-12T23:59:00.000-08:00

Sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry. Hella slacker.

300

2008-11-11T18:03:00.001-08:00

Mama's in town for a few days... blogging might suck for a bit.

OH WAIT...

---------

If you miss me you should probably develop a horrible addiction to Google Reader like I have and then you can just read my shared items until your little eyes bleed. Renai.marie@gmail.com if you already use it and want to add me. Let me know and I'll add you to my shared list as well.

---------

Close your little eyeballs...

299

2008-11-10T19:15:00.001-08:00

Love this:

“What if a demon were to creep after you one night, in your loneliest loneliness, and say, ‘This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned and you with it, dust of the dust!’ Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon? Or would you answer, ‘Never have I heard anything more divine’?”

- Nietzsche

298

2008-11-09T20:49:00.000-08:00

Renai + Calvin = True love forever

--------------------------

This is kind of wonderful...

297

2008-11-08T17:06:00.001-08:00

Lazy bones.

I can't believe how much I've slept in the past 24 hours. I have yet to shower or leave my apartment today. Suuuuuper.

However, somehow it doesn't feel wasted. After a week like this past one I think sometimes I just need a brain recovery day. Or some other silly hippie bullshit like that.

Seriously though.

I need to go to the grocery store, and take movies back, and return a jacket at REI. I also haven't ridden my bike in two days.

I think instead I'm going to read, watch a movie, and eat soup. Hah.

Maybe tomorrow...

296

2008-11-07T23:59:00.000-08:00

Rain rain rain rain rain rain rain forever.

My night got all fucked up and now I feel horrible.

I'm so tired of being tired.

295

2008-11-06T23:11:00.000-08:00

WTF. Hahaha.

Who is responsible for this?

I came home to find a brand new copy of WORKING MOTHER MAGAZINE with my name on it.

BAH.

Assholes.

294

2008-11-05T06:19:00.000-08:00

I am loving Seattle so hard right now.

I only got a small dose of this, as Amy and I booked it to The Showbox right after work, but people were already lined up all the way down the block by the time we got there. We said fuck it and booked it back up the street and ended up finding two seats at the bar at The Night Light in Belltown. I don't think I've ever seen so much love in one tiny place all at once. What an amazing fucking night.

293

2008-11-04T09:15:00.001-08:00

I know you know.

292

2008-11-03T23:59:00.000-08:00

This will be a real post later.

291

2008-11-02T20:09:00.000-08:00

Apparently daylight savings did something weird to my eating habits.

Today I have eaten an assortment of olives, brussel sprouts, toaster waffles, and frozen raspberries. Not all together. Ew.

290

2008-11-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

I am failing all over the place at blogging lately. Oops sorry.

Today was good. Tonight was better. Halloween recovery party at Becca and Amy's. It required dressing up again. I was Tom Cruise from Risky Business.

289

2008-10-31T23:59:00.000-07:00

Fake Halloween post. Yayyyyyy. Pretend like this was on time.

I was super lame and easy, since Matt, Blake, and Kusha were all cowboys- I was too. Well, except in a dress with boobs. Whatev. Halloween is not my favorite. It was decent this year, though. There was only one crying girl and it wasn't me! Success!

288

2008-10-30T20:38:00.000-07:00

Holiday party planning and gift buying is really really fun when you're doing it with someone else's money. Shit damn. Work is so much fun lately.

I have been having horrible cravings for horrible things lately. The only one that I will admit to right now is legit macaroni and cheese. I hate vegan renditions of non-vegan food (says the girl who keeps eating coconut milk ice cream). Whatev. Get off me.

Mmmm.

287

2008-10-29T16:36:00.000-07:00

WHAT SHOULD I BE FOR HALLOWEEN THIS YEAR???

Last year I was a stoned, crying bear that everyone thought was a mouse. Thus a bearmouse. Kind of cute, minus the crying part. I don't remember this. Worst party ever. Ever.

I am thinking about being a mousebear this year. A mouse that looks like a bear. Not stoned. Maybe not even drunk, considering how I've been lately. AKA- boring.

Or I might just be Charlie Chaplin. Except then I'd probably just look like Hitler. Fail fail fail.

I'm so bad at this crap. I'm just going to be Twiggy again. Short hair + fake eyelashes. Easy.

286

2008-10-28T18:55:00.001-07:00

Homemade vegan chocolate frozen "yogurt" made with avocado (serious!) = SO GOOD. Who knew?

I now also have a Tumblr account as of today. Not that I really needed one. It feeds from this blog as well, so it'll be somewhat similar, as well as completely different. Blah blah blah blah blah.

285

2008-10-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

Little Ghost

So much love.

284

2008-10-26T23:09:00.001-07:00

Today I don't want to live for,
I want to live.

- Hugh Prather
Notes to Myself

283

2008-10-25T23:30:00.000-07:00

Wow. Suckage.

Apparently: cold medicine + half a beer (seriously) + sewing = crap.

I have never in my life made anything that I've hated. And I hate this bag.

It's actually totally fine. I somehow managed to sew the chest strap anchor on in the wrong place (genius) but it's still completely functional. I think I'm just so full of absolute crap feelings right now that this bag feels like a summation of all of it.

Thanks crappy bag.

Hopefully someone will actually want it tomorrow. Blah.

Here are some crappy pictures:

I think my DON'T GIVE UP shirt really pulls it all together.

282

2008-10-24T22:07:00.000-07:00

What is this shit? I'm still not over the cold I came down with almost two weeks ago now- and I'm sick again. The same crap all over. It has apparently come full circle. Fab.

I just took a three hour nap, and am thus hiding out for the rest of my Friday night. I should probably work on the bag for Sunday, but I am so full of lazy.

Also- go here. It is so worth it. I promise. Art, fucking, and fashion. You can't beat that.

281

2008-10-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

So much lazy.

This stuff is crack.

Everything ever should always be made with coconut milk.

280

2008-10-22T18:38:00.001-07:00

So, when I woke up this morning I decided that I was going to force myself to have a good day to counteract the first few days of the week.

Hm.

Someone gave me their seat on the bus, Jamie brought me a giant soy latte, one of our truckers called just to talk to me about how Sarah Palin has 5 kids so she clearly puts out (he totally wants to throw it in her), I got lots of compliments on my haircut, Matao took me out to lunch, Kimboo and Amy Pshantelope showed up at my office at the same time and I got hugs, Amy sent me this link after lunch and I almost threw up my shrimp tacos reading some of the recipes, I ate too many chocolate covered almonds, I slacked off for a while and watched videos of wiener dog/pug mixes on YouTube, I had a really inappropriate conversation with Kim on my entire bus ride home, the weather was perfect, and Matao is dressing up like a creepy gay cowboy tonight.

Stoked.

THEN I CAME HOME AND IT WAS ALL RUINED.

I am signing a lease of Friday, and I can't move in for another month + ten days. It sucks. Sucks sucks sucks. Now I'm pissed off for no good reason.

279

2008-10-21T22:55:00.001-07:00

I've been having a really shitty work week (already) so tonight I chopped all of my hair off. This is the shortest it's been since I shaved the side a year and a half ago.

It's strange how much better it makes me feel. There really is something incredibly empowering about chopping it all off. Plus- I feel really hot. It's weird. I'm weird. Whatev.

278

2008-10-20T19:21:00.001-07:00

Sorry about the Palin overload. Except not really.

This fucking owns.

277

2008-10-19T21:08:00.000-07:00

Sooooooooo stoked.

Just got approved for an apartment I looked at on Wednesday. Not moving until the end of November, but whatevs.

It's a whole .38 miles from where I live right now.

(Don't stalk me, please.)

276

2008-10-18T18:40:00.000-07:00

I'm finding lately that I enjoy my weekends far more when I don't go out. Which is horribly backwards. I just get so much more done when I don't spend all day hungover/sleeping/feeling like death.

Going out tonight... but whatev.

--------------

Last night I made sockeye salmon cakes with avocado, jalapeno slaw, and purple potato oven fries. Purple potatoes are insanely delicious FYI.

Today I made a horrible (but still delicious) mess out of pumpkin waffles. A little too chocolaty chocolate/walnut/pumpkin bread. ~~Am in the process of making beer bread, which may end up sucking since I'm using flat leftover beer from last night.~~Beer bread with honey that is bombbbbb. And I'm currently making strawberry/pomegranate syrup because I am a nut job who probably shouldn't be left alone in the kitchen. All I have eaten today are carbs and sugar and I think I might die.

I also spent a good hour (and chunk of money) at Seattle Fabrics. Oops. Totes worth it, though. Zach better start getting fucking stoked. So should you.

275

2008-10-17T15:28:00.000-07:00

Having three weeks of paid leave a year is pretty much the best thing ever. For the record.

Next up:

November 12th-14th, for Matao's birthday, and my mama being in Seattle.

December 11th & 12th for BFF in Portland.

WHATUP.

274

2008-10-16T23:59:00.000-07:00

FF party tonight. It was so nice to see people I haven't in a while. I feel like I've been hiding out for months. Boring.

Also- I am having an issue with these:

Maple bacon cupcakes with maple frosting. Source.

Crap.

I might be going on a veggie bacon binge this weekend.

273

2008-10-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

It's cold, finally.

But what the eff is up with all of these "tough" Seattle cyclists not being able to kick it? I saw four other people riding this morning.

Sissies.

I also had a brief moment where I was pretty sure I was going to either witness a drive-by, or get run over in the aftermath. There's nothing quite like Belltown early in the morning.

Bring it.

272

2008-10-14T16:00:00.001-07:00

Sorry to get all fashion-ey on you. I'm just so unhealthily obsessed with Safe by Rebecca Turbow right now. This line is absolute perfection. Agugfhalfhdka. Ugh.

------------

Edit:

Holy shit. Not a Beyonce fan at all, but this video is nuts.

271

2008-10-13T22:36:00.000-07:00

Being sick is so boring.

Over it.

270

2008-10-12T17:45:00.000-07:00

Boring. Sorry. I'm obsessed with this right now.

269

2008-10-11T23:59:00.000-07:00

~~Sometimes I feel like I am only terrible at the things in life that really matter.~~

Being tragic is boring.

268

2008-10-10T23:59:00.000-07:00

Newest bag, and by far one of the best I've made. These pictures don't show how bright it actually is- and the stripes across the front and the smaller straps are all reflective. It's waterproof and sturdy as hell. I'm madly in love. Luckily- I decided to keep it. Sucka.

267

2008-10-09T16:38:00.000-07:00

Hurting.

This cold that everyone else has finally caught me. I feel like crap. I've been drinking Emergen-C all day. Wah wah.

I made these with Becca last night. Veganized, and with Theo chocolate. We are so good at what we do. Becca makes me feel so sane and happy and I adore her for that.

And I miss Laila.

266

2008-10-08T21:37:00.000-07:00

Do you ever find yourself wishing to feel something that you know doesn't actually exist? Some sort of relief or comfort or acceptance to be delivered to you in a form that simply can not be?

I've felt this exact thing before. Where I feel like I just want something to swallow me whole. To enclose me and protect me and allow me to feel fluid and calm and weightless all at once.

I took a street home last night that I've never ridden in the dark, and for the first time since I've lived here- felt so completely exposed and vulnerable. I felt like I could be scooped up off of the ground and carried away- and if it were really to happen, it would come in the form of complete silence and darkness. Nothing would have changed, except for the fact that I was no longer there.

-------------

I have been piecing together past events and decisions that I've made and started assigning credit where credit is due. I feel like there is or at least was genuine reasoning and thought behind every element of my past. I have decided to no longer use or accept "just being fucked up" as justification for any sort of emotion or reaction that I have had. The problems that I have in my life at this exact point in time are the result of something else. Something that I have chosen, or at least experienced, and I feel like I haven't been doing myself any favors by discrediting that.

I feel jumbled, and unsettled, and directionless right now.

I wish that I knew how to swim.